From Darkness to Light: The Spiritual Message That Stopped Me from Ending My Life

The sky that afternoon was as gloomy as the thoughts I’d been carrying for months. Once again, I was driving home from the casino after losing way too much money on slot machines—something that had become a painfully familiar routine. Just like so many times before, I hadn’t stuck to my budget. In fact, I’d blown right past it, and lost over $1,500 in just a few hours.

My head was pounding, and I couldn’t stop crying. I was so tired of the guilt, the shame, and the deep self-hatred that followed me home every time. But what scared me the most that day were the quiet thoughts whispering that maybe the only way out was to end my life. 

 

I slammed the car door shut and shouted through my tears, “Why are you refusing to help me, God? I’ve been asking for help every single day for months—and nothing has changed. I can’t keep going like this!”

I drove slowly out of the parking lot and made my way toward the highway. A couple of miles into my drive, I noticed a big semi truck approaching in the opposite lane. And then, I had a thought — if I swerved into the truck at just the right time, it would be over. All of it.

No more waking up in a sweat feeling like the scum of the Earth. No more hating myself for being so weak. No more depression, lies, or shame. And no more carrying the weight of having lost tens of thousands of dollars—money I could never get back.

I gripped the steering wheel tight and waited for the right moment. “Here goes…” I whispered. But when I went to turn the wheel, it wouldn’t move. Not even an inch. It was like it had locked in place. And then, everything around me got blurry.

The next thing I knew, I was parked on the side of the road, shaking uncontrollably. It took a while to come out of the daze, but when I did, I realized just how close I had come to ending my life.

I don’t remember how long I stayed parked there, but eventually I drove home, still crying. I was grateful my husband wasn’t back from town yet—I needed time alone.

Later that night, I did what I’d been doing for years: I lit a candle, picked up my pen, and began journaling with my divine helpers, God and my angel Sandra.

These journaling sessions had always brought me peace. Even now, the energy that comes through is calm, loving, and without a shred of judgment. Most times it only ever takes me a few minutes to feel the connection and begin our two-way conversation. 

The first thing I wrote was, “Okay God, as you know, I’m in big trouble. I seriously thought about ending my life today because I don’t know what else to do. I’ve gone to counseling, support groups, read several books on addiction, and even spent years researching gambling machines. But nothing’s helped. In fact, I’m more addicted today than I was six months ago. I can’t keep living like this. Please—please help me before it’s too late.”

And almost immediately, I heard a soft calming voice saying :“The choice has and always will be yours to end your life. But know this: when you die—by your own hand or otherwise—you bring you with you.”

That line stopped me in my tracks. “What do you mean, I bring me with me?” I wrote back.“The whole reason I want to die is because I hate who I’ve become. I’m weak. I’m pathetic. I keep making the same destructive choices. I’ve lost myself. It feels like something’s taken over and is ruining everything—my finances, my marriage. I’m drowning in guilt and anxiety. I’ve begged you for help for months, and I feel like you’ve ignored me.”

I wiped my tears, grabbed another tissue, and kept writing. The words that followed came so fast, I could barely keep up.

“When you die, you leave your body behind and return to the spirit world. But your journey doesn’t end. You continue to awaken and evolve—even without a physical body. You bring with you your memories, your experiences, and even the parts of yourself you see as negative. As I said, you bring YOU with you.

Your current journey—just like the ones before it and those still to come—is part of your soul’s awakening. The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is awareness—becoming fully aware of the special, powerful, and unique part of God that you are.”

And then more came…

“Because you are a part of God, you have the same qualities as God. The way to fully know you possess these God-like qualities is to experience each one of them. That’s why your soul chooses certain journeys—here and in the spirit world. And no matter how long it takes, or what you do or don’t do, you are loved - unconditionally and eternally.

If you had died today, you would’ve been greeted with only love. No judgment. You would have been offered divine guidance—just like you’re receiving now. You would’ve continued your soul’s journey from what you call ‘the other side’.

Whatever you were working through here, you would’ve continued working on in spirit form. The opportunity to grow, to become more aware, never ends. And it’s always your choice.”

After a while, my fingers were sore from writing, so I asked for a short break. But a few minutes later, I picked up my pen again.

“Before you were born, while still in spirit, you knew that a journey on Earth could accelerate your soul’s awakening. And even in your addiction, you’ve discovered powerful truths about yourself.

You said you were weak, but look at the strength it’s taken to survive this long. Look at the tenacity you showed researching gambling machines and writing your book Dismissed. Look at the compassion and patience you’ve developed for others who struggle. These are God-like qualities, and now you know you have them—because you’ve lived them.”

“You’ve also discovered sincerity, trust, empathy, creativity, and kindness—through motherhood, invention and your art. And there are many more qualities you’ll uncover if you continue to allow yourself the experience. Each moment is a chance to expand your awareness of the important and magnificent being you truly are.”

That night changed everything for me. I’ve never had suicidal thoughts since. The insights I received that evening didn’t just shift how I saw suicide or addiction—they gave my pain a purpose. They helped me understand that even my darkest moments are part of something bigger.

It’s not always easy believing there’s a divine purpose for every event or struggle, especially the painful ones. But knowing I’m never alone, makes the hard parts a little easier to bear.

Months later, I was having coffee with a woman who had been addicted to slot machines for at least four years. We’d become close after she read my story in the local paper and reached out. I could tell something was really wrong that day. When I gently asked if she wanted to talk, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “I hate myself. I’ve lost everything—even my retirement savings. And last night, when you called, I was actually on my way to the garage to end my life.”

I asked if she’d like to hear what I had learned from my divine helper about suicide. She nodded, so I told her about my own dark afternoon, and what happened with the semi truck. I shared the message I received: “When you die, by your own hand or otherwise, you bring YOU with you.”

And just like me, her eyes widened.“That makes me mad,” she said. “What’s the point of killing myself if I bring me with me? I want to die because I hate who I’ve become.”

We talked for a while longer, and before she left, I encouraged her to try reaching out to her divine helpers in her own way. I told her she might be surprised by the love and support she’d receive—just like I was.

Three months later, I ran into her at the mall. She hugged me and said, “I hate you.” Her words caught me off guard, until she laughed and said, “Because of what you told me, I can’t even think about ending my life—even on my worst days. I’m still struggling, but my load feels lighter. Thank you for sharing.”

I’ve been free from addiction since 2009. I now see my experiences—addiction, depression, even the suicidal thoughts—as part of what shaped me into who I am today. And I like who I am.

Whenever I feel an insight, or the spiritual help I receive from my divine guidance might help someone else, I share it. Because what I’ve learned is this: we are all connected. We’re all here for the same reason—to keep expanding our awareness of the unique, magnificent and powerful part of God that we all are.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog. If you know someone who’s struggling with depression or addiction, please share this episode with them. It might save their life—the same way it saved mine.