The God I Thought I Knew
I didn't always know God the way I do now. Growing up, I feared God. I pictured Him as this huge, all-knowing, always-watching male figure who judged every move I made. I believed that on Judgment Day, He’d look at my life and decide if I was headed for Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory. Since I thought you had to be a saint to go straight to Heaven, I was scared of death. Religion constantly reminded me that I was a sinner and unworthy of receiving God, so I figured I wasn't exactly Heaven material. Purgatory seemed like my only shot – a place where I could get a second chance to make things right. But no one ever explained how long I’d be there or what it would actually be like.
As I got older, frustration with these teachings set in because they sparked so many questions that no one could—or would—answer. For example, I was taught that people who shared my religion had a good shot at getting into Heaven, but what about everyone else? What about people who didn't have a religion or didn't even believe in God? It didn't make sense to me that a loving and forgiving God would only invite certain people into Heaven. If God’s love was unconditional, how could He send some of His creations to Hell just because of their religion, race, or gender? And what about those poor unbaptized babies who were supposedly stuck in Limbo forever? I just couldn’t wrap my head around a God who would punish innocent babies for eternity, all because their parents didn’t baptize them in time.
But I couldn't question these beliefs without getting into trouble. I was often left feeling anxious, sad, confused, and guilty. These religious teachings distorted my sense of self well into my thirties. I had hundreds of unanswered questions and most of them stirred up more trouble than clarity. For example, when we say God blessed our family or country, does that mean He didn’t bless other families or nations? Does God have favourites? My questions annoyed people, and I was told to stop asking, to just accept things the way they were. When I pushed back, I was judged as having weak faith or being argumentative, which only made me feel worse. I thought something was wrong with me for not being able to fully accept the teachings I was raised with, and I tried so hard to be who others wanted me to be. But deep down, so much of what I was taught felt off.
The Miracle of Communion with God
Even though I grew up in a God-fearing and confusing environment, there were just enough miracles sprinkled throughout my childhood to make me think there was more to God than I was being told. I started wondering if maybe God wasn’t just my judge, but also my helper. I noticed how, when my mom prayed for help, God really did answer. I was fascinated by how she communicated with God—not in a one-sided way, but like it was a two-way conversation. God responded to her through intuition, premonitions, and dreams. Even though some people made her feel silly for believing in such things, these experiences helped her, and I could tell they were real. She wasn’t encouraged to talk about them, much less develop this gift, but to me, her way of connecting with God felt natural and right.
As I got older, I started developing my own connection with God. Instead of looking to others for answers, I began trusting my intuition, dreams, and inner guidance—just like my mom. I started seeing that God could use these things to speak to me, too. Slowly but surely, I started recognizing the divine messages in my own dreams and premonitions. Instead of brushing them off, I trusted them, and they often proved to be right. Even though I knew God was communicating directly with me, my external world didn’t support this belief. When I shared these experiences with others, they’d sometimes tell me I was “following the wrong light” or “being led astray by the devil.” But I couldn’t deny what was happening.
The Strengthening of My Faith
When I was 35, something happened that took my faith to a whole new level. I had often asked God for help, but this experience solidified my belief that God was not only listening but speaking directly to me. At the time, I was inventing a fitted bed sheet that stayed on the mattress—something I had been working on for months without success. Feeling discouraged, I asked God to send me a message in my dreams to help me figure it out. A few nights later, I dreamed of a white butterfly rising from a pile of white sheets.
At first, I didn’t see the connection between the butterfly and the sheets, but three days later, it all clicked. I had just finished stitching a corner of the sheet, and as I held it up to the light, I realized it looked exactly like the wings of the butterfly in my dream. I felt chills and knew, without a doubt, that God had helped me solve the puzzle.
That moment changed everything. I asked God for help throughout the entire patenting and selling process of my sheet invention, and time and time again, He guided me. Through dreams, premonitions, and intuitive nudges, I felt His support. My family, especially my mom, encouraged me too. Eventually, I sold my patented bed sheet corner to a major bedding company in New York. After that experience, I never doubted again that God was there for me. I knew that all I had to do was ask for help, have faith, and trust.
Divine Helpers
My intuition, dreams, and premonitions became tools I relied on. I was eventually led to another form of divine help—journaling. One evening before my art show, I decided to write a letter to God, asking for guidance and clarity about my purpose. I had read that we all have divine helpers (some call them angels or guides), so I invited mine to communicate with me through my writing. As I wrote, random peaceful thoughts started to flow. Then, something shifted, and I began receiving insights far beyond my usual thinking. I kept writing, and eventually, a name came to me—Sandra. She was my divine helper.
From that night on, I couldn’t wait to journal with Sandra. Each session left me feeling peaceful and energized. One evening, I asked her to show me what she looked like, and soon after, I saw a vision of a beautiful woman with long brown hair sitting on a swing near a fire pit, surrounded by trees. This magical scene became our meeting place whenever I connected with her. Sandra explained that the perpetually burning logs in the fire pit represented God’s eternal wisdom, which we could access anytime. Whenever I wanted to connect with Sandra, I’d call her name, and the image of her on the swing would appear in my mind, along with the fire pit and picnic table where I’d sit to learn from her.
God’s Request and the Journey of Discovery
Around this time, I was struggling with my addiction to slot machines, which was destroying me and my relationships. Despite asking God for help every day, I didn’t get any clear answers or guidance. Then one night, while journaling, God asked me if I would receive and paint some “Message Art.” Without hesitation, I said yes. I didn’t know what it meant, but I trusted the request.
A few days later, I began receiving images in my mind. At first, I ignored them, but they kept flashing until I sketched them out on paper. That’s when I realized I was receiving the Message Art. Each sketch was simple, child-like even, but I didn’t question it. I trusted that these were divine messages. Over the next year, I completed 15 paintings, all received in the same way. With each painting, I continued to ask God for help with my addiction, but I didn’t yet understand why that answer wasn’t coming. It wasn’t until years later that I began to fully understand the depth of the divine messages in these paintings.
The full story of my struggle with addiction ,and the disturbing discoveries I made while researching over a 7-year period, is one I share in more detail in my book Dismissed, written with my daughter Dana, which is available on this website. But through this journey, I learned that my addiction wasn’t a sign of failure or weakness. It was part of a deeper call to awaken to my true self and to share the messages I received from God through my art. These messages not only transformed my life but also became a path to helping others reconnect with their divine selves.
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